wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
