was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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