And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
