I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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