3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
