If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
