Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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