By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
