Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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