If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
