You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
