guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
