my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
