after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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