So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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