I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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