i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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