he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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