in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
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I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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