I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
