i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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