i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
