He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
