apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
