Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
