I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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