Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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