Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
