I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Randomize
