i need an iv and a liver transplant
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
