I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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