apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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