I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
