if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
