but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
