Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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