jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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