fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
