everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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