Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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