I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
