dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
