I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
