Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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