But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
