Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
