my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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