so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
