Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
