The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
