Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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