Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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