She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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