Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
