I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
