Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
