Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
