who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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