my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
my liver is dry heaving
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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