how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
