I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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