According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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