Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
