i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
