I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
